This whole time I’ve been here, 4 months, my parents have been mostly awkward and cold to me. Not very open. Not reaching out too much. I have made an effort. I have to battle intense depression because I’m living in their house in the basement in the suburbs in the place that holds too many memories of my past that I’ve been trying to shed away, and nothing is as warm as I expected it to be.

Now, out of nowhere, they say, please don’t move away again. Why would you go back to the west coast? Please don’t, please don’t. But I’ve already made up my mind. I cannot stay here, if I stay here I will definitely go mad. Is it all perception? I can’t help but feel manipulated by my mother. She tangles my mind, my parents try to keep the threads pulled, try to keep controlling my life. I thought things would be different now that I’m in my mid twenties. They still have no idea I’m an adult. They give me hardly any credit. I love them, I missed them a lot, but what is this!?

Note to everyone in the world: If you love someone so much, show them, tell them. Get the fuck off of your phone, tablet, television, and spend time with them. Make a fucking effort. 

I have already accepted that I can lean on no one. And especially people here, everyone has kind of let me down. Not that I expect anything, I don’t, but I have no time for people who aren’t going to reach out to me. I have lived that way for too long. And on the west coast, there is love reaching all the way across the country and wrapping itself around me. 

They’re not going to make it easy for me… but if they know anything about anything, if they know anything about me, they know I live by the heart. I listen, and I follow my inner guidance. I have things to do. 

I hate feeling so torn though between east and west. All I can do is hope I’m right and hope for the best.

I’m feeling quite depressed today, all I want to do is sleep. But I have to work. When I work too many hours it drags me down more than anything else. When I don’t have time or energy to make art I feel like my soul is withering. I must escape this wretched cycle. I must, I must, I must. Which means I need to strengthen myself. Coming here helped for a while, helped me reconstruct myself but now I have this awful restless feeling. But there’s just too much. Too much to do. Too many obstacles, too much difficulty. Sometimes I want to give up on everything but I know I can’t. I have been strong and I have to continue to be strong. One can never rest. I can never rest. I have not been taking proper care of my mind. I feel all tangled again. It’s all just a repetitive process that requires maintenance. It’s like my damn tangled hair that I have to brush often. I am tired. Maryland is cold, not just the weather. The people. I can’t stand it. I need to go.